Random Thoughts Racing Through My Head Part 2

With money being an issue and she ashamedly thought about how her business would have helped financially; yet without the stress and strain of not having a cushioned savings a plan for traveling vacations and more. Now with that being said how can someone sabotage their own family financial status without a care in the world, and or wanting to be a MAN. Ramona feels like a prisoner with certain privileges as long as she remembers to ask for permission to do what she wants. She feels that the marriage is one sided in favor of her husband and feels that many men would side with him and not her. He has even told her that what she felt about him is what he feels about her. When she felt it was time to tell him how she feels in the relationship. She has even felt afraid when he got a part of her past wrong he went into a rage of yelling, screaming out his point of her past. 
One day Ramona went through her old unfinished journals and read the countless STD's she had while with child and a couple were after the birth of a child. Ramona now questions the 25 years if in fact he ever really loved her or was she just an arm ornament so he would not have to be alone. While reading these journals she feels like she never really knew him the way she felt she should have. He didn't want her fixing her hair using lotion nor having the need to be a woman, so that it would be easier for him to flee into the arms of another woman. Why does he feel the need to be bitter towards me and chooses to be pleasant to others. I've noticed this how he treats one he treats the others, and when in the company of authority figures he is like a puppy to it's master, but once out of the presence he talks about them. Why does she stay is it because of the children or does she have a plan on the when she will leave? Ramona is the kind of person who is much the friendly unsure of how to conduct an interesting conversation, but has a need to keep talking like it is her last. 
In this relationship Ramona has become very lazy and depressive and not knowing when the tears will go away along with the feeling of loneliness. She cries almost every night and sometimes during the day and when her children come home she pretends to be happy and ready eager to hear how their day went. When they hurt she hurts even more. She is goes through enough for her and her children and then it is all left on her shoulders. Nothing that she grew up doing is allowed and nor her philosophy or motto is allowed. Does he even know her motto? "Help me while I am down and I am loyally yours. Kick me while I am down I may cry for a while but when I am able to stand on my own, I will leave you." Her philosophy is this to be loyal to the one who is loyal and helpful to you, and never be the one who bites the hand or hands of non-enemies. Lives by what is stated in Matthew 22:37-40 it Jesus telling the  Pharisees and the Sadducee about the greater commandment in which we should live. 

Welcome all to the world of Ramona by that I mean do not be so quick to judge any one without first understanding where one comes from, what they are going through, and where they would like to be going. For all that it takes getting to know that person intimately. Do not be one of those that just think that to be intimate is a requirement of the dance between the sheets. It is more than that and plan things together as friends.  

Colossians 3:18-19 King James Version (KJV)

¹⁸ Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
¹⁹ Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.

Matthew 22:37-40 King James Version (KJV)

³⁷ Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.
³⁸ This is the first and great commandment.
³⁹ And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
⁴⁰ On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Random Thoughts Racing Through My Head

As a child Ramona was learning the art of being verbally abused and learned how to work through it and not pay it any mind. It became apart of her daily life; so she grew immune to the hurtful and degrading things that her loved ones once said to her. No one really pushed her into a direction that would help her in her adult life; failing college encouraged to give up and find a job at the nearest fast food. Once found a job, only to get fired due to not having transportation to work. Oh don't worry one parent would say, I'll take you to work. then change their mind and if they were your only source oh well. So after loosing 4 jobs that way discouragement set in. The of parents helping their child to succeed instead of failing and then talking about them badly to other family members and never noticing the child doesn't even have friends. 
Ramona goes on and gets married to who she thought was her best friend, only to find out in a heated she was the wrong color and age. She had graduated from verbal abuse to adding sexual and physical abuse. Wow someone asked how she was emotionally let's just say very numb and unresponsive at times. Well she divorced him and a few years later marries someone whom would keep up the verbal/emotional abuse by degrading, yelling, not listening to her, never there for her when she is down; but yet kicks her farther down. Now in this marriage they have children together and he tells her she smiles because she is happy. When in fact it is better to smile then it is to frown. He has done told her he is making it hard for her to talk to him, so she stays away from important things. She went to the hospital to find out what was wrong with her he chewed her out for going, and he has stopped loving her the way she loves herself. Ramona thought it couldn't get any worse when the 4 year old asked "what my daddy don't like you? (hugs her and says) I love you." Not too long after that he decides to tell her he wants to be able to yell and scream at the top of his lungs when he needs to at her, he told her that she was like an untamed lion (okay she felt as though that was what he was describing her character as). He helped Ramona open her business and when she turned to him for help again he wasn't there. Now owing over a thousand dollars in taxes she can not help her family earn money and she feels any man can talk to her any way he desires; and yet it is fine with him. Ramona in a few years has put on a few pounds and he is reminded of the skinny and slim Ramona. He forgets she's a woman outside of the bedroom so he treats her like one of guys. Never any real display of affection, but a friend/child relationship when out in public. At home the relationship is he disappears into the TV or talking on the phone, while she at times feels neglected. He watches his shows and they do what he likes and may be once in a while they do things she likes. What was that compromise? There is no need for that it is all about him blaming it is all about her. Let me tell you what he doesn't know about her: 1. why she don't chew gum, 2. her favorite flower, 3. secrets she has never told anyone, 4.her fears, 5. favorite spice, and 6. her goals in life. Oh what does she she know about him; his favorite color and TV is all he knows.
Ramona has been married to this man for 25 years and she has said "it is a very stressful life she has, and just needs a get away from it all from time to time. Feeling like your world could one day come crashing down on you and then what? Cry until someone notices ?" With no money to pay for wants and he feels budget is for when you have money you budget. Never saving money because the extra gets spent on something he wants.  He has riled out the joy in me and I feel as though I need an out...no more do I sing, no more do clean, I sit as a zombie waiting on a shelve to be discovered. I have not accomplished anything of my own I have accomplished failure after failure for that is all I know.

By Michele Richardson